Jokes

Since I can't think of anything real clever for the letter J, I am going with jokes. The following are jokes and such that I received on email over the years. Read at your own risk:

#1 I'll start with this short one. I don't know why it makes me laugh my ass off whenever I read it, but it does:

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that the pirate has a ship's steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pirate pants. The bartender says, "Hey, did you know you have a ship's steering wheel sticking out of the fly of your pirate pants?" Pirate replies, "Yarr, she's drivin' me nuts."

#2 Sociology 101

A new two-year degree is being offered at a national university that many of
you might be interested in:
Becoming A Real Man.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Asking for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her


#3Now, this one might be difficult to understand if you aren't familiar with the ballet world. It is based on stereotypes involved with ballet careers:

Version of a note from a Ballet-mom:



Personally, I would think that Ballerina Barbie's breasts are too large for her to represent the ideal dancer's body, although the size of her breasts is actually the least of her problems - (she has slightly smaller breasts than regular Barbie). Ballerina Barbie's worst technical faux pas is that she turns out from the knees.
While I don't think it would have been that much more trouble to design her hips to rotate, she was given a rotating knee joint (whoever worked on her design must have been a former SAB student, or got help from one). Actually, they probably also did that to prime the market for the soon-to-be-released "Doctor Ken, orthopedic surgeon".



There are all kinds of accessorized Ballerina Barbies that most people don't know about:




1. "Russian Ballerina Barbie" Stands and moves on a pedestal to the waltz from "Sleeping Beauty," always one beat behind the music.
2. "Podiacally-Correct Ballerina Barbie" Comes with tiny strips of duct tape which kids apply to her bloody toes and misshapen feet.
3. "Stay-Trim Ballerina Barbie" Pull the voice cord and she says "No thanks, just a salad", snorts some cocaine, and then lights up a cigarette.
4. "University-Trained Modern Dance Barbie" She doesn't turn out or point her feet at all, and has a timer mechanism that causes her to collapse and roll on the floor at odd moments.
5. "Competitive Audition Ballerina Barbie" Looks very sweet, but carries little glass shards to put in the pointe shoes of "Podiacally Correct Barbie."
6. "Upwardly Mobile Ballerina Barbie" This is for mature collectors only. She comes with the "Penthouse Suite" unit belonging to "ArtisticDirector Ken."
7. "'Turning Point' Ballerina Barbies" Comes as an aged pair who throw drinks at each other and pull hair.
8. "Balanchine Ballerina Barbie" The hip joints are fused, and there are special joints in the wrists to allow her to flap her hands in a variety of ways.
9. "Giselle Ballerina Barbie" Push a button on her back and her bun explodes.

#4 New State Mottos:

Our government has decreed that all-new mottos for each state in the US
should be written. The mottos have already been written, but will not take
effect until the year 2001. However, these new mottos have been obtained.
Have a look, find your state, and see if you approve.

Alabama: Yes, we have electricity.

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos can't be wrong.

Arizona: But it's dry heat.

Arkansas: Literacy ain't everything.

California: Our women have more plastic than your Honda.

Colorado: If you don't ski, don't bother.

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only the Kennedy's don't own it yet.

Delaware: We really do like the chemicals in our water.

Florida: Ask us about our grandkids.

Georgia: We put the "fun" in fundamentalist extremism.

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to mainland scum, but leave your money.)

Idaho: More than just potatoes.....well, ok, we're not, but the potatoes
sure
are real good!

Illinois: Please don't pronounce the "s."

Indiana: 2 billion years tidal wave free.

Iowa: We do amazing things with corn.

Kansas: First of the rectangle states.

Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen last names.

Louisiana: We're not all drunk cajun workas, but that's our tourism
campaign.

Maine: We're really cold, but we have cheap lobster.

Maryland: If you can dream it, we can tax it.

Massachusetts: Our taxes are lower than Sweden's (for most tax brackets).

Michigan: First line of defense from the Canadians.

Minnesota: 10,000 lakes, and 10,000,000 mosquitos.

Mississippi: Come feel better about your state.

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief tax dollars at work.

Montana: Land of the big sky, the Unabomber, right-wing crazies, and very
little else.

Nebraska: Ask about our state motto contest.

Nevada: Whores and poker!

New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone.

New Jersey: You want a #%$@*!^ motto? I got yer #%$@*!^ right here!

New Mexico: Lizards make excellent pets.

New York: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an
attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco is a vegetable.

North Dakota: We really are one of the 50 states.

Ohio: At least we're not Michigan.

Oklahoma: Like the play, only no singing.

Oregon: Spotted Owl--it's what's for dinner.

Pennsylvania: Cook with coal.

Rhode Island: We're not really an island.

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We didn't actually surrender.

South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota.

Tennessee: The educashun state.

Texas: Sí, hablo inglés (Yes, I speak English).

Utah: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.

Vermont: Yep.

Virginia: Who says government officials and slack-jawed yokles don't mix?

Washington: Help! We're overrun by nerds and slackers!

Washington DC: Wanna be mayor?

West Virginia: One big happy family.....really.

Wisconsin: Come cut the cheese.

Wyoming: Where men are men, and sheep are scared.


#5 This one might be my favorite of all. Yes, some of these titles are plain rotten, but I can't help but laugh:

Dr. Seuss / Little Golden Books We Won't See

REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*** Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants

"Little Golden Books That Never Made It"
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry